Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.