Take heart, fan. England's squad could be approaching the next Ashes Test already 2-0 down, but not all in English cricket is disheartened. Exists one unit ideally equipped for such a situation, a dedicated unit who can lay claim to be the ultimate experts in defeat. Is optimism crushed? Do you feel the weight beneath the weight of crushing defeat? Then it's time, rally to the Barmy Army.
Even now, their first wave are descending upon Adelaide, the city where they were established 30 years ago. England's most famous – and per capita most vocal – travelling fans will be dreaming of an celebratory against-all-odds victory, reminiscent of the one they saw on that 1994-95 tour. Furthermore whatever happens on the pitch, away from the field the celebrations will be extensive and boisterous.
"England's performance been incredibly disappointing," he admits, "however we're the lucky ones, because we're on holiday. It's likely harder for the people at home."
Even a spectacular team failure can't shake this band of seasoned campaigners. They've been watching England's batting collapse since before a new generation started playing. They've seen more spilled chances than key pacemen have Test wickets. Their touring history as an Ashes supporters' club reads: contested many, lost often, won seldom. If anyone comprehend how to weather a clean sweep, it's the founding members.
Without a doubt, for viewers at home, the Barmy Army are seen to be ubiquitous during this Ashes. Host broadcasters at the grounds frequently appear more focused on the Barmies than on their own fans. TV partners often use them as atmosphere-building buildup to a day's play. Even the athletes on the field acknowledge them, as someone clad as a royal figure leading a singing of a national hymn.
One could argue that the Barmy Army's dual effect of longevity and visibility has now overshadowed quite how remarkable their takeover of tourist following has been. Thirty years in the past a small group backpackers were brought together in comical self-deprecation at England's dismal away record. Today their legacy is so intertwined with the England cricket that their colourful, "unconventional" crowd is all but part of the furniture. They've certainly come a far since the early days.
One original can picture the buoyant hope of the first Test of that pioneering tour. After the Australians on top, he initiated a small conga in the stands, provoking the home fans with a chant about convicts. "Home supporters hurled abuse at us, then threw plastic cups – the stuff that we occasionally encounter today," he says. "But when we got back our small band of England followers had all joined in."
After a loss, England's tour continued to struggle. Anyone following the team around the country was considered truly dedicated. As the tour reached the Melbourne and Sydney matches their numbers had swelled substantially. The squad, however, truly appreciated their noise at the grounds. When England managed a face-saving victory, a senior player invited a Barmy Army figure up to the team balcony to join in the festivities. Such camaraderie remains.
Furthermore, the large crowds the Barmy Army can muster are as appealing to the sport as they are to international stadiums. On this tour alone, their organised trips will bring a large number of fans on tour. All kinds of events are planned for the 30th anniversary.
This is, in the end, an organisation born of cricketing passion and entrepreneurial spirit. The explanation they mark their founding to a specific Test is because that was when they started producing souvenir shirts. The limited early stock was so immediately successful – and financially rewarding – that it sparked a lasting enterprise. From that point, the original members have helped turn a fan community into an major sports tourism business.
That carries its own issues, notably at a time when sport is looking to shed some of its lads-lads-lads image. The Barmy Army's leadership are quick to note that a growing percentage of their travelling fans are now women. As times have changed, the songs have had to get less offensive, too. "Comments that were acceptable 30 years ago you cannot utter today, and that's absolutely right," says a representative. "We can't tell someone how to behave individually, but we will not promote songs that are derogatory."
Will the Barmy Army evolve quietly? The average supporter age is now nearing their fifth decade – similar to the founders themselves, who have been pleased to withdraw from the daily operation. One founder is experiencing this tour purely as a fan – leaving young professionals to manage the Barmy Army's online channels. "It's easy to overlook how challenging it used to be to organise with each other," he chuckles. "We used to do it all by word of mouth – 'everyone's going to the pub!'"
As for England's plight, the impossible dream of a historic comeback persists, which is classic Barmy Army indeed. In the event England succumb in Adelaide … well, the next tour awaits.
Kaelen Vance is a seasoned esports journalist and former competitive gamer, passionate about sharing strategies and industry trends.